The Busboy

Communication to mission contact on home planet from agent Matt Brauer, 5/1/2017:

I understand my mission on this planet is to observe and report general human behavior. However, I feel I must report a finding I have been researching for several years involving the unusual trait of a single individual.

As you know, mission contact, I have taken the form of a subservient corporate clone drone to conduct my research. Part of this role is to blend in with typical humans in similar positions. As such, like many rote office workers, I eat lunch outside of the work environment at one of the more popular sandwich establishments.

It is at this restaurant I am making my observations of a particular individual. I understand his role is that of a busboy, a servant who cleans off tables, brings dirty utensils to a dish washer, and takes out garbage. This person’s unusual trait is: he is man blind.

If this confuses you, mission contact, it likewise confuses me. Somehow, this person has appeared to evolve a special characteristic making all males invisible to him. I tried to morph the visual sensor receptacles of my human body to make males undetectable but have been unable to do so. I am also unable to isolate a specific wave emitted by the male form that differs from its female counterpart, figuring such a wave is responsible for rendering males imperceptible by the busboy.

I have frequently observed this man in his work habitat. Unlike other busboys, he panders to females, helping them find seating, carrying to them their food orders, wiping down their tables, and cleaning up their dirty dishes at the completion of their dining. Over the course of five years I have observed him catering to females in this manner dozens of times, yet exerting zero such effort to males of the species.

The most unusual thing occurred a week ago. The busboy and I made eye contact. He looked at my face. Though he made no expression, I could feel through my emulated human senses we made a mental connection.

I began to think: does this person see me because I’m not a human male? Perhaps because I’m not of this planet? Because I do not carry the human male wavelength? Then I saw him consciously avoid a man standing, actively altering his path toward a table with a group of women. I then thought: this person does see males and even acknowledges them. At that point I figured this person knows me as a familiar face; I have often seen him – and he must have seen me – as I have visited the eatery about twice a week for the past five years.

I performed an experiment: I put my tray of dirty dishes right at the edge of the table just as he approached. We made eye contact. He passed by, grabbed the tray of garbage from the woman sitting behind me, and offered her some pleasant words. I pondered: what is it about women that alters his, and only his, work behavior?

I understand the attraction of Earth women, mission contact, many of them are gorgeous. Yet there are equally gorgeous Earth men. The male form I have assumed is an excellent example. I am confused as to why this gentlemen does not gratify me in equal measure, as I am as visually appealing and dress as striking and inviting as any woman. To give you a home planet comparison, think equal parts zoth, florin, and porvid, plus a flowing gollickather and topped with a sparkling wern.

The next few days I performed more experiments. I ate three hot dogs seductively. He did not notice. I dropped a spoon and enticingly bent over to pick it up as he approached me from behind. He did not acknowledge me. I wore a beautiful flowing blond wig and strawberry red lipstick and smiled a flirtatious grin. He did not respond, though I seemed to drive other patrons away from my general vicinity and made small children cry.

As we made eye contact again today, I realized the reason for his behavior. Behind the soft blue of his bedroom eyes I could see, I could sense, an alien being from planet Kepler 62f. He was doing this to me on purpose. Damn Kepler 62f-ians trying to make me feel ugly.

End transmission.