Seven Traits of Highly Effective People

Good day, class. Today I’ll be discussing the seven traits of highly effective people.

Note when I say “highly effective” I mean more than simply productive; business managers grade employees not only on productivity, but on their ability to lead, inspire, and motivate others. And in other fields – where the same business principles are applied, regardless of how foolish or idiotic the application – being influential is both a desire and expectation. In short, everyone wants to make a difference at what they do. By understanding and using the traits of highly effective people, anyone can be a leader. So, without further delay here are the seven traits of highly effective people:

1. They’re rich – Have you ever noticed how the average schmuck behaves around rich people? How they fawn over and cater to a rich person’s every whim, and become a “yes, yes, yes” supporter no matter how ridiculous, ill-advised, or inappropriate the idea? How they emulate the rich person’s mannerisms, style of dress, and consumer purchases, when it is clear it would be more sensible act rationally? Yes, the rich person can even direct whole groups of people to suspend reality and make decisions against their own best interests and safety, making people believe that, somehow, if they mindlessly follow the rich person’s actions, a bit of that wealth will eventually trickle into their pockets, despite no proof it has ever happened previously. If you want to become highly effective quickly, be rich.

2. They’re loud – Evidence has shown that an influential person does not need to be truthful, correct, or even accurate, only loud. For example, motivational speakers who talk loud and confident are admired for their ability to sound intelligent and right, even though they may be light-years off base. This is because the average schmuck thinks no one who is wrong would exude such boldness. Aside from the rich, only loud, confident talkers have the awe-inspiring trait of being able to march followers into their own impending doom.

3. They’re tall – Think about all the managers you have had in your career. Think about politicians and chiefs of industry. Think about anyone you can who is in a position of leadership or authority. Chances are they all share one common characteristic: they are tall. The average schmuck, for some reason, equates an ability to see over other people’s heads with having vision and acumen. One wonders how much better Napoleon would have fared at Waterloo had he been several inches taller.

4. They’re male – Sex is a double-edged sword when it comes to being effective. Where a male might be shrewd, a female is deceiving. Where a male may be strong-willed, a female is bitchy. Where a male might be a natural leader, a female would have some psychological condition revolving around the lack of a male body part. Without delving into the whole Freudian thing, the issue boils down to the average schmuck believing through repeated cultural beatings that the male is the “dominant” sex. I mean, geez, a woman cannot even use an email account without undergoing intense male scrutiny.

5. They’re not bald – Remember all those tall people you thought of a moment ago? How many of them are bald? The average schmuck eschews ideas from the bald man, and the bespectacled man, and the limper, because who wants to get their direction from a defective human?

6. They’re self-interested – That is, they are egomaniacal, beyond the point of being loud and confident. The difference is, the self-interested person actually believes their loud and confident oratory spewings are factual and grossly interesting. The average schmuck finds the combination irresistible; if a leader believes in something with such conviction – however idiotic or disprovable – there must be a reason, and who is the average schmuck to dispute it?

7. They’re always “on” - The effective person always acts as if they are the center of attention, the star of the show, the focus of the audience, even when no audience is present. They are constantly smiling and charismatic even when they are being read the accusations against them, the damning verdict, or the penal sentence. And when they begin their service behind bars, the average schmuck still holds them in high regard because of their celebrity status, believing no person could achieve such notoriety without being effective.

If you possess none of these traits, do not despair, there is still an avenue for you to become highly effective. Leaders are effective because others believe they are influential. All you need to do is make people believe you are influential, and the followers will follow.

Class dismissed.