Guided Tour

This piece was written for the Second City Training workshop. The assignment was to:

  1. Think of a place and brainstorm ideas about it,
  2. Brainstorm 10 people who might be in that place,
  3. Pick one of the 10 people and cluster ideas about the person and the place,
  4. Write a monologue of the person giving a tour of the place, with a change of emotion in the middle.

The piece was slightly edited to correct grammatical errors.

Welcome to the interior of the car of the guy I just started dating. If you will look up and to the left, you'll notice the dirty windshield – apparently my boyfriend has an aversion to soap and water. If you'll look down at the seat cushions you'll see the stains of many a tryst – this guy probably has issues holding on to a girl, and he's likely only interested in my body.

If you'll follow me to the back seats, you can observe the the minimal leg room. While my boyfriend wants sex, he apparently wants no children. You'll also notice the lack of headroom, perhaps a sign he has no brains. The left and right rear windows do not open – I'm really starting to suffocate in this relationship. I feel trapped. This interior is so small...he must be short in the manhood area. And look at that odometer – boy does he have the high mileage.

While exiting the car, please feel free to break, vandalize, or otherwise damage any part of the vehicle you choose. The pig probably wouldn't notice anyway.