Waiting At The Gates Of Heaven

This piece was written as homework for the Second City Training workshop. The assignment was to:

  1. Brainstorm 10 characters,
  2. Cluster ideas about the person, a place, and situation,
  3. Write a monologue with a change of emotion in the middle.

The piece was slightly edited to correct grammatical errors.

Oh God, I wonder how long I'll have to wait here. Seems like I've been waiting for days. You'd think that after dying, you'd get to the gates of heaven, and they'd just let you in. I wonder what the holdup is. Maybe it has something to do with the way I died. I mean, slipping in the kitchen, falling face first in the dog dish, and drowning in dog water. Maybe God's too embarrassed to let me in. Or maybe it's some weird purgatory. Maybe hell is spending eternity standing at the gates of heaven waiting to get in.

I wonder if there are any hot chicks in heaven. Oh crap, that's right, my wife is dead. Oh, I hope she went to hell.

This waiting is dreadful. Kinda makes a dead guy wonder if he made the right choices in life. Maybe I should have had more fun to justify this penance. I wonder if a person can be kinda good and kinda bad to maximize receiving the best of both heaven and hell. With my luck, I'd get the worst of both. Maybe that's what I'm getting now. The best of hell is the worst of heaven – standing just outside looking in. And what's with the video cams? Maybe this is a test. Maybe my hell is giving everyone in heaven something to laugh at.

Wait. What's that sign say? No loitering? Damn.