Signs Your Boss is the Devil

In a recent poll, nearly one third of employees in the workplace judge their managers to be so dreadful they would recommend their bosses seek psychological counseling. (I, on the other hand, would recommend anyone who desires an MBA seek professional help only to find out what parental failure or lack of emotional support led to their need to lord over workers smarter than they are.) If you consider each non-management employee works under an average tier of five managers, and each boss manages five employees, that means thirty million managers should be in psychotherapy. That is, thirty million minus the one bad manager therapy won't help: the Devil.

How do you know if your boss is that one in thirty million? Here are the clues:

1) Your boss displays remarkable intuition. His ability to foresee and plan goes beyond mere predictions and guesses. He prophesizes record earnings in an economic slump. He predicts mass layoffs during record earnings. He knows months in advance which projects will be cut and which will be spared. He also possesses an unearthly ability to sense what makes you happy in your work – a meaningful job, high morale, competent coworkers, or positive feedback – and provides you with the exact opposite. Why is he so good at forecasting? His accuracy rate has nothing to do with luck. He is the Devil, with a direct hand in the outcomes.

2) He climbs the managerial ranks with mystical ease. He popped up from nowhere. You watched as he gained confidence among his peers and brown-nosed his superiors. You've witnessed him rise up through the ranks in a mysterious, supernatural way, convincing managers the most ridiculous, nonsensical, and illogical projects and propositions are worthy of pursuing. How did he manage such a speedy shot up the ladder with such shoddy judgment? His rise has little to do with talent and all to do with Luciferian deception and mind control.

3) He speaks in devilish phrases. Not to be confused with speaking in tongues, he speaks in a manner consistent with the soulless, using words forged in the fires of hell. Solution, leverage, paradigm, value-added – this is the vocabulary of the fallen one. He uses sports terminology – touch base, home run, win, team – to act like a regular guy. He speaks loud and fast to sound intelligent, and demeans anyone who tries to one-up him. With so many managers using similar terms, how do you know your boss is the one, true Satan? He's the only one who isn't afraid to say the word “fire.”

4) He hides behind smokescreens. He uses his demonic powers of disguise, disappearance, and sleight of hand to distance himself from problems. He only appears in a puff of smoke long enough to lay blame on his underlings. But, he is equally quick in accepting undue credit for successes. Once he establishes a scapegoat, he holds a permanent grudge and belittles his sacrifice unto eternity. So how do you distinguish the Prince of Darkness from similar managers? His only management qualifications are his perfect suit, tall stature, and full head of hair.

5) He possesses “the sixth sense.” He only seems to pop up in conversations and meetings you don't want him in. And when he does show up, he uses his sorcery to derail topics and render the gathering completely unproductive, while simultaneously succeeding to assign participants ownership of excessive work. And though he has some difficulty masking the foreboding chills in his employees' spines, the smell of brimstone, and that certain coldness before he enters a room, he can still succeed in popping up with surprise in more compromising situations. Such as when you are loafing or surfing the web.

6) He resents your very existence. He goes beyond creating dissension and unhappiness by using extreme discipline – enticing employees who hate their jobs to work more hours, and forcing employees who hate each other to pair up at team building retreats. Only the devil could exhibit such an all-encompassing hatred towards you. Why? He is angry you lack the demeanor of a corporate stooge. He is embarrassed you have bested him. He is envious you still own your soul.